Grief Can Be Divisive: ‘Over’ a novel by Margaret Forster
Over
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Over, by acclaimed author Margeret Forster, is a novel which portrays the after effects of the tragic loss of Miranda, an 18-year-old daughter, sister to Molly (her twin) and Finn – her brother. The contrasting ways the different family members deal with their loss is the heart of the novel. The family is divided by the father’s obsession with justice for the death of his daughter. The wisdom of his son, Finn, is lost on him:
‘It was no one’s fault,’ he said. ‘The man said so, at the inquest. It was an accident.’
‘But your Dad doesn’t believe that. He wants to find out…’
‘But she’s dead, Mum, it doesn’t make any difference. Even if he finds someone to blame, it won’t bring her alive, so what’s the point? This won’t bring her back.’
The father, Don’s, reaction and quest for justice, more than the tragic accident, threatens to destroy his surviving family.
This is a detailed and eloquent portrayal of the different ways people cope with the death of a loved one. We see how Miranda’s siblings and mother, Louise, want to try to move forward while their father is trapped in the past. He also refuses to accept essential facts about his daughter’s death. He is single-minded, obsessed and eaten up with grief, hate and anger. Two years on from Miranda’s death he is still carrying out ‘investigations’ into how she died. He has alienated himself from his family, virtually abandoned them, and is totally unwilling or unable to find a way of moving forward.
Margaret Forster, in her careful and unsentimental way, shows us various faces of grief and it is a powerful and moving portrait of loss and how people cope with it. While it is Don’s reaction to his daughter’s death that tears the family apart, should we condemn Don for how he deals with his own grief and what he needs to do to be able to move forward? The resolution, such as it is, leaves us with a suitably complex picture of all the important relationships within the novel. This is a beautifully crafted work of fiction which shows, as vividly as any textbook, the different ways family members deal with loss and the devastating effects this can sometimes have.
Have you seen the divisive nature of grief or have you found that it draws people closer together? How have you personally responded to grief? I’d really welcome your thoughts and experiences.
Wow Ruth this sounds like an intense and powerful story!
I have a little experience with grief in the loss of my Dad two years ago, and for the most part his death has drawn my family closer together. However, we had a very traumatic family situation right before he passed away that required a sort of ‘expulsion’ of my brother from the rest of us, and unfortunately that has still not been mended. It has been emotionally exhausting to say the least and there is little hope of relief any time soon. Aside from the terrible situation with my brother, the rest of us have each responded to our grief in the loss of my Dad differently (obviously, as we each had different types of relationships with him), but we have been understanding and respectful toward each other during the process, giving support or space as needed.
Although, I have also seen a little of the divisive nature of grief in the lives of a friend of mine and her family when they lost their 10 year old daughter from a blood clot after a major surgical procedure she’d had. Despite evidence of any malpractice, the husband took aggressive legal action against the surgeon. It has been a terribly difficult experience for my friend as she strongly disagreed with her husband’s decision to do this, and it has very much affected and hindered her own grieving process. This was over 5 years ago and they are still dealing with it all, my heart goes out to them.
Anyway, good post Ruth, sounds like a great read on a difficult topic.x
Hi Julie, your friend’s situation is mirrored in the book – this difference in approach is so divisive and as you say, and see, it makes grieving so difficult for people. There is not a coming together but a further divide. It is a challenge, though, to be respectful of others’ way of grieving and I’m so glad for you all that you’ve been able to do this after the loss of your Dad. It was similar for my family, we found it drew us closer, we did not fragment. I think the loss of children, more than anything, has the power to fracture relationships. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, that sounds very traumatic and emotionally very difficult. It is heartbreaking to have such a breach. Love and thoughts to you and thank you so much for leaving such a personal comment. I really appreciate you sharing this with me. xx
Ruth this sounds like a very interesting read. It is so true that we all have different ways of dealing with our grief. The thing is many believe their way is everyone’s so many conflicts surface during such an already challenging time. I like the idea that this is a novel with a fictional story but seems to also be a book we can learn and grow from emotionally. Excellent share my friend ~ Thank you!! x RL
Hi Robyn, yes, that’s partly why I broadened the site out to include the arts, and fiction especially. I really do believe that fiction has as much to offer as pure non-fictional self-help books. We see real people dealing with all the various challenges we face. I hope to bring you more books over time. Thanks so much for the great comment, you are so right about conflicts surfacing and each person believing theirs is the ‘right’ way. It’s such a flawed view but exists all too often. Much love to you xx
I must read this book. I’m drawn to fiction that deals with tough real-life issues and I, too, believe we can learn much from novels. When my mother died, my dad blamed the medical specialists who had first misdiagnosed her cancer as something less serious and thus delayed her treatment. He seemed to need some kind of focus on which to direct his pain and anger. It’s understandable but it did seem to complicate and prolong the grieving process in the long run.
Hi Jean, it is an excellent book as Forster deals with the subject in a forensic way, not unemotionally, just not overly sentimental, which I found to be a good thing. As you say, we can learn so much from this kind of fiction. We can see how others battle as we have battled and also find solace that we are not alone in our feelings. From the very sad experiences you mention, I think the book would hold a lot of meaning for you. If you do get to it and read it, please pop back (if you have the chance) and let me know your thoughts. I’d really like to know if you feel the book does justice to these complex and difficult issues. Take care Jean and I hope that you’re doing a little better. Ruth
Hi Ruth, I have just finished reading this book. My answer is Yes; I do feel the book does justice to these complex and difficult issues. The family members each have their own ways of dealing with grief as best they can. The father clearly caused added distress to his family. His struggle to make sense of what had happened became fruitless and destructive, but, no, I don’t think we should condemn him. It’s interesting to consider where (in real life) the dividing line comes between searching for truth with the hope of keeping others safe and tipping over into an unhealthy obsession which does more harm than good to self and others. These are real issues which may face us at times of crisis such as bereavement. Forster deals sensitively with the subject, inviting us to look at things from different viewpoints. As in real life, nothing is simply black or white, right or wrong. This is a book that will stay with me long after reading it. Thank you Ruth for directing me to it.
Hi Jean, I’m so glad you felt the book did justice to these difficult issues. Forster is a wonderful and insightful writer and brings out the complexities of all the characters and the different ways grief affected them. As you say, these are not black and white issues. How difficult it is though, as you’ve experienced, and the book highlights, to have a family member who needs to do certain things for their own grief and yet, in doing that, causes additional pain for other members of the family. It’s torturous really – the madness of grief. Thanks so much for coming back and letting me know your thoughts – really appreciate that. Ruth
This book sounds like one that could put a lump in your throat… Grief is hard enough to deal with without the knowing of the cause or in some instances, who’s to blame… I couldn’t even begin to imagine what families in similar situations as the one you mention in this book goes through…
I hope bearing up okay, Ruth and much love to you…x
Hi Chris, yes, it’s not an easy read but it does offer great insight into this difficult subject and offers us opportunities to understand more about what others go through.
Thanks for asking Chris, I am managing okay at the moment. What about you, how are you doing? Have you made any progress with your health issues ot are things as bad as ever? Thoughts to you and much love xx
I’m glad you’re managing okay, Ruth… I’m not doing too well physically, I’m back trying Pilates again on the reformers etc as I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do and feel I need to keep trying something… I have an MRI/Arthogram booked for the end of the month to make sure another tear hasn’t occurred in my joint,… Just trying to be patient and not let it get to me the best I can, I’m learning though… Much love back to you Ruth and I hope you’re not having too much of a painful day today…
Hi Chris, all the best for the MRI and I really hope that you don’t get more bad news – waiting always causes so much anxiety. Hope that the Pilates helps just a little even. Thinking of you and hoping you can pull something out of your days, even when they’re such difficult ones. xx
I love the psychological realism this novel seems to present, Ruth. And with your background, I know you feel it rings true. I was recently discussing this very thing, that people have experiences and perceptions that vary even within the same event, and that each person has something valid in their perception and experience. The difficulty comes when the variations cause division, as you point out. Grief is particularly apt, it seems, to do this. I experienced this type of division in my own family after the death of a loved one. So many relationships compromised and even torn apart due to each person’s differing perception and experience of the event and the quality of their relationship with the deceased. I like your question about judging someone….this is hard for me. I find myself gravitating toward judging someone’s harsh or seemingly inappropriate reaction and I find it hard to see their perspective, perhaps, because it is so drastically different than my own, especially if it causes harm. Thank you for raising my awareness of my own weakness here and for calling attention to the various ways people experience and work through traumatic experience. This novel sounds like it could be a great resource for many people.
Hi Angela, yes, I’ve seen these things too and it is so very difficult. This is what struck me the most with the book, it is so hard not to leap to judgement of the father – especially if this is not how you yourself grieve. But I think grief can be a form of madness for some people and he absolutely needed to pursue his own path to be able to move forward with his own life. But in the process he shattered lives. It is so, so difficult, when you see families torn apart in this way, at odds. There just is no solution I fear – we are all different and many times we become casualties because of these differences. I do think it’s a really valuable book and may even help people who do take the father’s approach to see the result of their own behaviour. Thanks for so much for your deep and valuable comment. Take care Angela.
“Grief can be a form of madness for some people….”
This is so true, Ruth. I like that the book explores the type of grief that people find unsettling. This is what good literature should do. And the fact that it deals with grief realistically is important. I always like reading your reviews. 🙂
Thanks so much Angela – I really appreciate that. Forster is a wonderful writer. Totally lacking in sentimentality and full of insight. Here I think fiction rivals many self-help books – it is grief in action, in a real setting and has an immediacy than much non-fiction doesn’t. Really appreciate your visit!
Loosing a close loved one is always going to be hard.. And I think many of us cope in different ways depending upon our thoughts on death.. or the circumstances of their passing,.. Sudden tragic death I think maybe the worst to come to terms with within our own minds, As it can be such a shock having our nearest and dearest walk out the door never to come home…
For me loosing my father was perhaps my most profound experience.. One, I talked him over the other side as I was with him holding his hand as he fought for breath suffering from Lung Cancer.. My sister and I had nursed him at home in his final few weeks as he wanted to return home from hospital..
It was such a relief to know his suffering had ended and I had seen the other side come to greet him and he looked so peaceful at last in the moments of his passing,..
I was able to stand at his funeral and be the strong one, and give a talk about his life.. It wasnt until a few weeks later that I knew I had to let out all the grief still held inside, as I hadn’t really cried…
I put on a Native American Indian Drumming music and turned it full blast as I had a bath.. And sobbed my heart out.. releasing the emotion and saying my own farewell to my Dad…
My Mother’s passing was different several years after.. having not been in contact for over 10 yrs I felt sadness for time lost.. but in my mind over the years I think I had grieved so much through a breakdown etc that for me I had already lost her.. so the pain of her passing didn’t affect me, at least not on the surface.
Maybe there is still some healing needed there, I know I worked upon myself a lot to help myself get over her rejection…
Grief varies so much.. as we each cope with it in many different ways……
See what you did Ruth?… you opened up a thought, that no matter how much at times we think we are over something… We still grieve for those we love and have lost..
Love to you dear friend
Sue xox
I’m so touched by your comment, Sue, thank you so much for sharing it. It is so true that grief varies such a lot and I think it is something which is never really over. And I don’t think that is a bad thing. The revisiting, as time goes by, as you did in the comment, allows the mind to continue to process and cope with events. When people have been part of our lives, then grief, remembrance and loss can never really be over. We learn to live with things and go forward without their physical presence and hopefully we get to a place where we can find joy in our own lives again. As you so rightly say, we’ll always grieve for those we’ve lost. I wouldn’t have it any other way – it shows what they have meant to us, and still mean to us. Sometimes we grieve for the good we have lost and other times (as you mention with your Mum), more difficult issues, what people didn’t do for us – these are much harder things to resolve. Again, I think we will alawys revisit, hopefully, with a positive spirit, one which allows us to strengthen from things that have gone before and not to become embittered. I know that this is always how you approach things Sue. Take care dear friend and thank you so much for your beautiful comment, Ruth xx