Do You Feel How I Feel?
I wonder if you ever think that others feel as you do? When you go about your daily life and events occur which make you feel sad, happy, or despairing do you imagine that others feel these emotions exactly as you do? When your partner angers you or you feel defeated at work and you tell someone and she says, ‘I know just how you feel.’ Does she? Does she truly understand and inhabit your world? And does it matter?
One of the most important elements of a counsellor’s career is to establish what a particular person means when they talk of different feelings. If someone says, ‘I feel devastated as my partner has left me,’ we do not just accept that we know what this word ‘devastation’ means, what it implies for that individual. We ask further. What does ‘devastated’ mean to that person, how is this life event affecting them. It can be unwise to assume that we understand how someone else feels just because we know the words they are using to describe particular emotional states. ‘My devastated’ may be very different from ‘your devastated’ and the effects on our lives could be very different. My devastation may last for a few weeks, yours could last for years. The word on its own is meaningless. The crucial element, which the counsellor must uncover, and which we can all benefit from looking at is what the particular word means to the individual who is saying it.
Why does this matter so much? Because the prevalent notion which plagues us all is that others understand the world as we do, and that others feel the same emotions we feel in response to similar circumstances. If we struggle with something, we imagine everyone else does too. If we find something easy, we are sure that others do too. But this is often not the case. I may find an emotional situation easy that you find difficult. You may recover from a relationship break-up whereas I may be paralysed for years by it. This difference between us becomes a gap which can be hard to bridge – a gap of misunderstanding. For how can we truly relate to each other if we are talking at cross purposes, thinking we understand each other, and our words, and yet using different points of reference?
Our different responses to circumstances come because of multiple reasons including: personality, previous life events, past and ongoing experiences and the difficulty or ease of the life we currently live. The problem is, if we think we know how others feel, we expect them to work to our schedule, to recover as we do, to operate in the world as we do, to be capable of what we are capable of. When this is not the case, when differences arise, the gap between people becomes harder to bridge.
How can we get around this? In short, never assume that others feel as we do about something. Ask and listen. Ask what people mean when they use words which we are sure we understand, or they are experiencing things which we have been through. Listen to their words and look at the world through their eyes, through their experience and not through your own. In doing these things we can begin to bridge the gap of misunderstanding that separates people.
Do you feel how I feel? Do I feel how you feel? There’s only one way to find out: let’s ask each other and let’s listen.
Beautifully said, and so, so true. There are as many realities as there are people. Each one of us experiencing the world through our own unique lenses.
Glad you enjoyed the article and thanks so much for your comment – you are so right! 🙂
That is such a wise commentary, Ruth. Further to what you write, I would imagine that even listening to how someone else feels, what they mean by the words they choose to use, is fraught with potential misunderstandings? The spoken words are rarely logical. Indeed, I can recall from too many years ago, a mathematics tutor saying that mathematics is the only logical language in existence.
Mathematics isn’t so logical. For instance:
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary — and those who don’t 😉
Thanks so much Paul. I agree with you – listening (and understanding) is a fraught process, maybe this is why so few people fully develop these skills! 🙂 We live in world which seems to crave simplicity and putting things and people in boxes – it’s so unhelpful and does nothing to bring us together as people just encourages more separation and separateness. Great to see you here! 🙂
For how can we truly relate to each other if we are talking at cross purposes, thinking we understand each other, and our words, and yet using different points of reference?
Wise words. I try never to assume anything, because whenever I’ve done so in the past I’ve often made an ass out of u and me.
PS Typo alert:
“a
counsellors’counsellor’s career”Thanks so much for the comment and video – I remember seeing the original episode! Great feedback on the typo – it is fixed!! 🙂
Wonderful thought provoking article… I wonder how often we actually manage to express exactly how we feel that the listener understands what we feel… it is so often difficult to express in words how we feel… I will say to Linda “I’m not feeling good” she’ll ask what I’m feeling and I just can’t put it into words….
Thanks so much Bulldog, glad you enjoyed the article. You highlight such a good point, actually knowing what we feel ourselves is difficult, let alone vocalising it and then hoping we will be understood. It is all very complex indeed. For me, the main saving grace amongst all these potential difficulties is that if we have people with a good heart around us we know that things they do and say, even if it sometimes a little wrong, comes from a good place. I think that can save the day many times over. Great to see you here.
Very Wise words here Ruth, no one feels the same.. for each is our own experience…
Really enjoyed this posting.. We can only assume we know how they feel as we relate to our own experiences.. Which may affect our emotions in a totally different way…
Have a good week Ruth
Love Sue xox
Thanks so much Sue for your warm words – I really appreciate them. I agree very much you – emotions affect us all so differently and so it can be perilous to assume we understand things. It takes time to be empathic – as you know so well – and we need to foster and encourage this quality so that we can all feel more connected and bridge that gap of misunderstanding. Much love Sue – I’ll be over soon! xx
Dear Ruth ~ this was a wonderful post. My masters was also in counseling… so much emphasis on person-centered theory (Carl Rogers work) and offering safe presence ~ rather than judgement or advice. I agree with you, we all have a different frame of reference … it is huge. And to take the leap — even in the realm of chronic intractable pain — this is a tremendous issue. Most try to equate my pain with whatever pain they have had in their life. Even the physicians are guilty of this. It’s all very very complex. I think authentic listening ~ empathic presence is the best we can do as counselors – and friends. There is something wonderful in being heard and validated….and knowing it is coming from the right place. ~ Thank you for making me reflect on this today beautiful friend ! Much Love ~ Robyn
Hi Robyn, thank you so much for your excellent comment. I completely agree with you and the person-centred approach is one we can all do well to learn from and be reminded of. I think that one of the problems is that people lead such busy lives and often look for the quick and easy leap of understanding. What easier way than attempting to compare with oneself!! It is so complex, as you say, but the empathy you mention is crucial. Also, though, people have to want to understand other people’s world and their pain – emotional and physical – and sadly not everyone wants to make that effort. I think that may be the harder part to solve. Much love to you as always and thoughts across the sea to you dear friend xx
Hello Ruth,
“Also, though, people have to want to understand other people’s world and their pain – emotional and physical – and sadly not everyone wants to make that effort”.
How true !
If we like the person we are talking to, then we hang on every word. We sympathize with them, we nod our understanding, giving them confidence to continue talking. We look into their eyes and we see something that can never be misunderstood. ” a tear”.
The person is unhappy, now do we wish to listen to an unhappy person. the answer is “yes” because you like them. But if you did not like the person, then would you have noticed the teardrop welling up in that persons eyes. ?
As you so rightly say, “people must “want” to understand other peoples pain. ” even the pain of a stranger …
Be well Ruth.
Hi Kenny, I can only agree with you as you agree with me! 🙂 You are so right about the feelings we generate when we actually ‘want’ to listen and connect with people. We need more of this – how to make it happen do you think in these rather selfish times? I will be over to yours in a bit… 🙂
You hit the nail on the head Ruth, During these times of austerity many people have been cast into even deeper poverty and deeper fits of depression. That special breed of people who care and have time to listen to the wretched , are very few and far between. These people are not made, they are born. RE: “how to make it happen” Perhaps teaching people how to counsel themselves may help. Wait a minute…. is that not the theme of your blog. 🙂
Take care Ruth, the roads are slippy.
H Kenny, Thanks so much. You take care out on the roads. Don’t worry for me as my health is such that I am home bound – along with that, my electric wheelchair would not get far in these 5 inches of snow!! It is a winter wonderland to look at from my window. Move slowly and carefully please – thanks so much for visiting! 🙂
Dear Ruth,
1. You are correct, that a counselor, need to hear what is perceived and experienced by a person, and the counselor acts as a mirror. hen analyze the database of the associated problems, both from their own experience, and from their knowledge.
2. For example, someone who is left by partner. I fully believe that, good people, would be paired with good people. It is the belief in the law of cause and effect, as the universal law of the universe. As doctors will gather with doctors, counselors will gather with counselors, and criminals will gather with criminals, Etc.. People at the same level of actualization, will gather with a group of equals.
If good people, choose a pair that bad, surely there had previously been forbidden by counsel, that the choice was wrong, but still forced choice. I think people would not be left just to step into a major event in his life …. :).
I thought, young people are worth to read and understand your postings, so correct in choosing partners and other major events in their lives ………… 🙂
Hi Hilal,
Thanks so much for your comment. It is so true that it is important to take good counsel and advice when making these big life decisions. It is hard though, isn’t it, as we often only learn by making our own choices and mistakes. Lovely to see you here 🙂
This is a very thought provoking post Ruth,
I often wonder how others would cope with being in the same situation as me and often come to the conclusion that they would be able to deal with it better. Sometimes I think I’m coping with being house-bound and in constant pain well then others I let myself get into a hole that is so hard to get out of, realising then I have not yet come to terms with my situation after all this time. I think others would have come to accept it by now but whether I’m in denial or not I feel I have to try to get better, especially as there is no clear diagnosis.
I think I maybe veering of the subject post there, anyway, how are you doing Ruth?x
Thanks so much Chris, you can always veer off topic, it’s just great to see you here! It is such a difficult position to be in not to have a clear diagnosis. Of course it’s totally right to want to get better and to do all that’s possible for that. Also, though, I think it’s important to find a purpose to living within the situation – whatever that is. For if you can’t do that, you can find time just slips away and you are living for a hoped for future rather than an actual present. It is a difficult balance to strike – hope and realism. As always, wishing you better times and some breakthroughs. I am picking up a bit now Chris, thanks so much for asking. I am working on a new website – there are changes afoot here! Love to you and so much luck for Thursday xx
Hi Ruth, just checking in to see how you are doing?. Hope you are keeping warm where you are… Sending some warm thoughts your way… For the Weekend.. Love and Hugs Sue xox
So good to see you Sue! Yes, I am warm, thanks so much. Warm thoughts to you too and for a good weekend and break. Keep taking care of yourself, Ruth xx
So true Ruth! Listening is a wonderful gift to give to others, and feels great to be fully listened to as well. Interrupting or making assumptions about what is being shared leads to misunderstandings as you mentioned, and creates a huge disconnect for all concerned.
Hi Cathie, we completely agree! In life, it is much neglected, listening, and as a society we do all suffer from the absence of listening. Misunderstandings really do abound because of it. Thanks so much for your thoughts – lovely to see you here. 🙂
Hello Ruth
You have written a beautiful article on real life scenario. This is really am important topics in this modern world. We can make our life more better and peaceful by using your real life thoughts and guidelines that will reduce misunderstanding between individuals and families. Hope your realistic experience will help many readers by applying this in their own life.
Thanks so much Duglas. So glad you enjoyed the article and found it helpful. Best wishes to you, Ruth